loss...

Empty

I have seen the days and agonies go by;
I have waited to make sure we were all right;
But now I close my eyes and feel what passed us by;
And the destruction in my heart rips out my eyes.

Just four years old or so, I had the sense;
Of what my uncles and my friends had so much pride;
It was a gladiator, an entertainer, one who had sight;
Of what we dreamt of, what gave meaning, what made sense.

Climbing the highest ladder, reaching the toughest mountain;
Fighting the toughest battle and seeing the goal come near;
We knew that thirst, scars and bruises made the fountain;
More refreshing, more fulfilling, more sincere.

Now that the heroes have stepped away and left the field;
There is a huge void where I throw question marks to no avail;
There are no answers, there are sad stories that make me feel;
Like crying slowly, crying deeply, like I have failed.

Because I should have said so much to defend the heroes;
I should have stood up and spat upon those who betrayed them;
But I was too full of my own struggles against the zeroes;
To make my number add in their favor and protect them.

Lee Jaen Nic’09

Adiós ángeles...

Cuando los ángeles mueren;
se va muriendo en el alma;
la inocencia que nos mueven;
desde la cuna a la cama.

Uno a uno van cayendo;
sonrisas y recuerdos buenos;
despacio van diluyendo;
las pasiones y los truenos.

Pero el haberlos contemplado;
es un honor, un privilegio;
que Dios nos ha regalado;
en la vida y su colegio.

Aprendemos pues y entonces;
que la existencia es muy breve;
que lo que importa es que goces;
de todo el bien que nos roce,
y olvidar lo triste y leve.

Lee Jaen Nic'09

Rainy days I left behind;
and I hope one day return;
like gentle smiles that are kind;
or light warm breezes in the sun.

Of all places, Athens, Georgia;
brings me back to what's so far;
family, loved ones and you so gorgeous;
fragile, sensuous, yet tough and hard.

It's your spirit that provokes me;
to write these thoughts from my heart;
it's your image that, believe me;
make the droplets tear apart.

All illusions is what I fear;
or a mirage in the sand;
for you are nowhere to be near;
all that's real is in your hand.

Must have been the need to feel you;
the dream I could not make true;
the kiss I thought I would give you;
but I could not carry through.

And if you walked back in my life;
or I could burst into yours;
tell me, truth teller, what your sight;
says of my destiny's course.

I do know one thing is true;
and it's that at that point in time;
I will come to you and urge you;
to speak to me with your eyes.

I will reach out and try to hug you;
hoping that you won't turn away;
and if you let me, I will take you;
in my arms for you to stay.

But I want for you the freedom;
that makes love prove that it is true;
no pressures, no castles, no fiefdom;
only prairies, waves, and skies so blue.

And when the rainy days come back;
our unity will shine right through;
we both will know that the lack;
will never again return.

Distance is only a measure;
time is only a point of reference;
of a great moment of pain or pleasure;
that our souls feel in their essence.

Lee Jaen Nic'09

"Todo en un solo día"

Todo en un solo día

Puedo escribir desde el fondo de mi alma,
Derramar lágrimas o carcajadas simultáneamente,
Puedo sentir que estoy lleno de emociones;
Que arrebatan mis sentidos y mis ganas,
Que penetran por mis poros, la médula, la mente.

Sin embargo se también que no exagero;
De que hay muchos que caminan sin pensarlo,
De que hay tantos que a nuestro alrededor también lo sienten,
Sin embargo no se atreven a decirlo ni a dudarlo;
Su agonía o alegría es tan interna, es silenciosa;
Sus pensamientos son candentes, no se escriben, no se encienden.

Vamos serios, cabalgando con lentes oscuros puestos en caballos de acero que arremeten,
Por vías de cemento y de pavimento que nos llevan,
Desde guaridas de madera y de ladrillos,
A lugares de trabajos, de recreo, a empresas, a escuelas que nos dejan,
Reflexión, soledad entre la multitud, pensamientos sencillos,
¿Buenos, o malos? Ya ni sabemos,
Lo que si es cierto es que el tiempo se va, y en el, y a el, si se someten,
Nuestras vidas, nuestras esperanzas, si, aunque que se rindan,
Los edificios perduran... otros vendrán…y morirán…

¿Y tu? ¿Que haces?

Lee Jaen Nic’08


Lee Jaen Nic'08

Transition

I am sitting here at terminal 87A at the San Francisco International Airport. I arrived here from a few days’ conference in the beautiful city of Portland, Oregon. It is a point of transition because from here I am heading back to Sacramento where I left so, so many memories. After facing whatever is in store for me, I am heading further back in time to Los Angeles where I hope to complete a variety of tasks. The next step, I hope, will be to board a plane at the Ontario airport heading back to Pittsburgh and to my final destination which is my future in a wonderful little city in West Virginia.

There are many reasons why I stop to reflect at this moment in time. First of all, time has passed and change has come along with it. It’s funny because in the middle of my day to day struggles, while I strive to help others learn and share, I have failed to communicate not only with those whom I love and treasure but also with my very own self.

I have always been the type who observes and learns from my surroundings. However, I have been so busy building another life that I forgot to stop and smell the roses, so here I go. I am a middle aged father of three wonderful children. I have come to terms with the fact that the “me” I used to claim is just no longer there. I have finally learned to put aside my own preferences and learned what the true meaning of my life is really all about. For me, it has been surrendering! Yes, really, I have surrendered and stopped fighting because I have a purpose that is much, much larger than anything I could have thought of, and with this writing, I do hope to be able to articulate what that could be.

In so many ways, I wish that I could go back and change so many things, but today I realize that it is what it is because I have had so many demons to confront along the way. It’s not so much that I have had a rough life; I think that most people have. It is that I have been forging this human being that finds himself at a crossroads on this day. I could so easily start again and I am not afraid of doing so. That is one of many things that I am so grateful for. There is nothing worse than living your life scared of what could be and that is one of the lessons I retained. I do apologize for my mistakes if and when I was too preoccupied or too involved to realize or to correct them. In retrospect, I am the net sum of my experiences and who knows who I would be if I had not lived them.

Now that I find this moment of tranquility and lucidity, I’ll like to say that I do not hold any grudges and that I hope that my regrets will one day just go away. It is not easy when you have lived a life of a wild gypsy. To be honest, I guess I thought that having survived the horrors of my youth somehow entitled me to feel the guilt of not having died. I guess that I was just angry because I could not do anything to stop the pain. I guess I felt that I was undeserving of a “normal” life, whatever that may be. I guess I had a mission to live recklessly and to live fast and furiously no matter what the consequences. Now, I return to confront those choices but with the hope that I did not leave everything slashed or burned or both.

Success, I thought, consisted of accomplishing all goals. I wanted to prove to myself that I could build business after business and gather skills. I do confess that in the times when I acquired more and more material goods is when I felt the most isolated in my life. Money, travel, luxuries only reminded me of those I left behind. How could I spend hundreds if not thousands in one day meanwhile so many went without? I guess I just forgot what it felt like where I come from. I guess I forgot sleeping on that hard wooden board in that humble little shack where Tio Nicho saved our lives. I guess I just lost track of the ride from Pancasan in the back of that pickup truck, terrified by that military man who boasted of his cruelty.

Now, I remember. I close my eyes and hear him laughing about chopping someone’s hands off just because he did not want to leave his handcuffs behind. I close my eyes and see my beloved hometown being bombed and burning as we fled into the mountains. I guess I just forgot about watching my friends, my family, and my neighbors being shot or taken away to not be found. Damn, perhaps I did not forget, perhaps I was just too mad.

Now, my today is where I find that I have been so fortunate. It’s true that I am insulted by having to confront things from the past, but in the end, I understand. I left and they stayed behind. I kept going while they could not find their path. They simply took advantage of the fact that I was no longer there to fight back. It’s just that I had wished that all I did to make certain to tie any loose ends was good enough. I really cannot phantom what or why. Well, it’s alright. I’ll simply step right up and take any blame if they were right, but I am not alone anymore, in fact, I never was. I am ready to go back!Sometimes we have to go backwards to gain momentum and move forward.

I am so ready to advance and lend a helping hand. I am looking forward to applying all I have learned and share my life. I do miss my beloved Nicaragua, how could I not? I do miss my loved ones and I wish that I could take back some of the tracks I left behind. But I am not the same anymore, I am better armed. This time is not my guns that defend me, it is my heart. This time I want to save so that I can give back. There are so many voiceless all around us. There are so many who need to be protected, who need a guide. I don’t know if I am the right one to do the task, but I do know that I can feel their pain and that I want to try.

This time, I think I found a better way to make a difference, this time it will be by preparing others who want to build their paths and leave their pasts. I am going to take advantage of my accomplishments and build a better future.

The future is bright, it is full of opportunities. I have a larger purpose now, I have what I used to disregard. I have my pride and joy, my kids, my family, my friends and God and Lord, oh Lord; it’s so much more than just enough. I only hope and pray that I get the strength, the health, the wisdom to lead in different ways. This time is not about a company or about pride, it’s about all of us; I want to be a good friend and a good partner. I want to be a good brother, a good son and a good Dad.

Christmas is a way of life ...

¡Feliz Navidad!

For all the family and friends;
For all the ones that don’t get a fair share;
For all the hard working souls;
For all the ones who struggle;
For all those who reach out;
For all the ones who suffer;
For all the ones who listen;
For all the ones who are silenced;
For all the ones who care;
For all those abused;
For all those who step forward;
For all those who need Justice;
For all those who want to help;

From all of us who are grateful:

¡Feliz Navidad!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving every day and every breath,
Part of contemplating all the miracles;
Smelling fragrance in the air, sensing the zest;
Hearing out of the sounds, the melody, the lyrical.

Seeing both with eyes opened or closed;
Touching and connecting with this world;
Tasting the fruit of toils imposed,
experiencing the change from young to old.

Feeling life, love, hope, and inspiration;
Watching new miracles emerge in their young eyes;
Letting your soul consume every sensation;
Soothing memories, hopeful sighs.

Hear the laughter, smell the feasting, taste the goodness;
Touch with your life and let your own be touched.